Avoid Conflict Gracefully

This post is the first in a series to help  you expand your skill with the five styles of conflict.  In each post I'll show you several transition phrases for one particular style.   We start in this post with Avoiding.

Not everyone needs this!  It's especially for people who find themselves in frequent conflict or who scored low in Avoiding in their Style Matters score report.  If you scored high in Avoiding, other posts in the series will be more useful to you. 

Why Transition Phrases?

In conflict we react.  Old habits tend to take over in the storm of emotions.   

In these moments, it helps to have a few transition phrases on the tip of the tongue to help transition to a different conflict style.  If you prepare now, in a time of calm, you will be more successful - and graceful - in deploying the conflict style of your choice in Storm.  

A transition phrase empowers your rational brain with key words that help it maintain control in dicey moments as the lower brain gets activated.  With a little practice you’ll soon express the intention behind the phrases spontaneously.

Transition Phrases for Avoiding

Avoiding has huge benefits and huge weaknesses, summarized below.  This post is for those situations where you've thought it through and decided Avoiding is the right response.

Of course, an easy way to avoid is to say little or just disappear.  But sometimes that’s not an option and you have to say something. This is especially common if you're leading or coordinating a group of people.

Metaphors useful in constructing an avoiding response include:  set aside the issue, not go into that, maintain focus on (something else), give priority to (something else), delay or postpone discussion; wait until the time is right (or we have the energy required, the time needed, etc.), think things through, agree to disagree.

Sample transition phrases: 

• Let’s set aside (or save) that issue for another time.
• I’d rather not open that up right now.
• I’m not ready to discuss that right now.
• Could we agree on another time to discuss that?
• I think we’d better stay focused on (whatever other task or topic is in play) for now and deal with this (contentious) question later.
• I'd like to give priority to (some other task or activity requiring attention) right now and not get into other things.
• I agree that we need to discuss that, but I’m too (tired, stressed, distracted, upset, anxious, etc.) to take it on right now.  How about Wednesday at 10am?
• I will be a much better partner in discussing that if I take some time to think it through.  Could we put it aside for now and discuss it later?
• Maybe we just need to agree to disagree on that.

Whatever transition phrases you choose, they should roll easily off your tongue and feel natural to you.  From the words and  sentences above, pick those that seem most useful.  Edit and change them to fit you.  Then review them a few times so you can use them without hesitation when Avoiding seems like the best response.   

Soon the concepts behind the phrases will take root in your brain and you'll find your own spontaneous words for a request to Avoid without a second thought. 

Avoiding gracefully is essential for leaders

All the above are even more useful in group leadership.  It's impossible to facilitate intense group discussion without deploying strategic conflict avoidance.  No group can deal with all issues at once. Leaders need to manage group attention wisely and Avoiding is a key tool for this. 

The same goes for the other conflict styles.   Every ounce of grace that you master in use of conflict styles interpersonally will serve you well organizationally!  

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