Chances are you know me as author of the Style Matters conflict style inventory. You may not know that I’ve spent 40+ years in peacebuilding, often in very challenging circumstances. That includes living with my family in conflict zones on four co...
Perfect Downloads for Summer Reading There are some high quality, no-strings resources on conflict out there for free right now! If you're looking for summer reading, here's two good options. High Conflict by Amanda Ripley Since publication last y...
An easy way to expand your conflict resolution ability is to begin using the two step discussion process. This is so simple that you might say, "Isn't it obvious?" Well, no. It certainly wasn't to me for many years. So here's a personal story th...
Don't you love it when somebody readily agrees to do things your way? Negotiating can be tiring. It's a gift when someone just smiles and says, with no persuasion needed, "OK, I can go with that!" Fourth of a series on five conflict styles, th...
Part One in a three-part series applying insights from conflict styles to parent-child relationships. By Laura Bowles, coach and mediator, Style Matters trainer, and founder of The New Normal, LLC. Being a parent changes many things! For me, my c...
The passing this week of Archbishop Desmond Tutu brings a flood of memories of an amazing man and a remarkable chapter in history. I was in South Africa from 1989 to 1995 and witnessed him in action on many occasions. For anyone committed to lead...
Does your behavior in conflict change sharply when you get upset? Do you turn suddenly aggressive when surprised or angered? Or, when conflict heats up, does your assertiveness quickly fade, replaced by avoidance or accommodation? What is ...
With COVID19 cases rocketing once again, old questions return. We are all inescapably affected by the behaviors of others on this so we have to work out the answers with other people around us. As much as possible, we need to do thi...
These are scary times, and it's not just COVID19. Polarization is rooted now in ways not experienced in living memory. Groups live in separate worlds, with their own news, networks, rhetoric, and influencers. Violence, threats of violence, and dis...
The Cooperating Style of conflict management is about actively seeking ways for both sides to win everything they want. I assert myself clearly and confidently. You do the same. We work together to find solutions that allow us to bot...
Sometimes you have to be pushy in conflict. You have to say No! and really mean it, insist that people step back, or lead in a direction others resist. If you are not able to do this, you will someday be taken advantage of or violated in ways that...
Sometimes when there's a conflict, the best thing to do is say nothing and just drift away. Or say firmly, "Let's not take that on right now. " If you're good at selective conflict avoidance, you will have a greater sense of order and contro...
You know me as a peace process guy, a conflict resolution trainer, an author of peace training materials. You don’t know this: I love guns. As far back as I can remember, guns stood in the corner of the pumphouse on the family farm in Lancaster Count...
What can a facilitator do with an extremely persistent person, who refuses to stop interrupting others in mediating or facilitating? In my last post I stressed the importance of stepping up early in proceedings to establish that groundrules must be ...
The problem we saw in tonight's presidential debate is familiar to any mediator: How do you keep angry people from interrupting each other? Chris Wallace demonstrated clearly tonight that good journalists are not necessary good facilitators! There's ...
I’ve trained police in conflict resolution skills on four continents. My first love is communities but the years of training brought me to care deeply about police officers as well. This week's newspapers carry the story of a man shot and killed...
There are a lot of stories going around about conflicts over wearing masks. See for example this account in the New York Times. The evidence is now clear that masking makes a huge difference in infection rates. All we have to do is get everyone to...
This post is for people who want to help a team or group improve their patterns of dealing with conflict. With the materials here, you can do this without outside assistance, even if you’ve never led a conflict styles workshop before, so long as ...
(Part III in a series from a forthcoming book, Transforming the Healer) As we accept the reality of our own pain and struggle, and begin to recognize their universality, we open ourselves to the voice of the soul. We hear and feel things we never ...
Pain Pushes us to Our Own Healing Those called to work for healing and social transformation of our world must think about two transformations. The first is obvious, the mission of healing, leadership, or change we’ve trained for, and on which we sp...
First in a Series for Exhausted Visionaries, Activists, and Healers How can we assist the healing of a broken world when we ourselves are far from healed? The question has followed me across forty years of work on four continents. I first saw it as...
On September 11, 2019, President Trump warned about what America would do if attacked again. "We will go wherever they are and use power the likes of which the US has never used before and I'm not even talking about nuclear power." This reminds me of...
Life spares no one from conflict. But unfortunately the word has not yet reached the schools that train professionals. Name the profession - engineering, teaching, business, social work, lawyer, religion, medicine, whatever. Few professional sch...
We're reading a lot these days about leaders who bully. In "When the Boss is a Bully", a recent NY Times article points out that aggressive toughness has its rewards. Some people like the idea of a very task focused leader. Better to have a leade...
If you're interested in leading conflict styles training, download my 2019 trainers' guides with a single click below. To get notice future updates and my blog posts for conflict styles trainers, sign up on the lower right to the trainers list. I ...
Trainers considering Style Matters as a conflict style inventory should be aware of two other options as well, the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument and the Hammer Intercultural Conflict Style Inventory. Style Matters has been optimized for t...
If like millions of other Americans, you will eat turkey on the holidays with family members on a different location on the political spectrum than you, take a look at this interactive New York Times essay with suggestions for how to manage. For an i...
Want to lead a conflict styles workshop? Join me on November 21 for the first in a series of short webinars, Training with the Style Matters Conflict Style Inventory, I'm leading for trainers. Scheduled for 11am Eastern time on Wednesday, the 21st o...
Everywhere I’ve lived and worked, I’ve met people who feel a deep inner echo to the idea of making peace. I’m a bit mystical about such things. An inner echo is one mark of a calling and I have a lot of time for people hearing it. But then it gets co...
A great move for improving your effectiveness in conflict is mastering the two-step discussion process. This is a strategy so simple that you might say, “Isn’t it obvious?” No, it’s actually not, especially to task-oriented people like me. But in th...
Do you use an angry voice to communicate or give instructions when a firm, even voice would do the job just as well? I witness this most commonly in sports settings, where it seems to be accepted that coaches and trainers shout angrily at those they ...
Online vs. Paper in Conflict Styles Training In conflict styles training, you have an option to use either a paper or online version. I used to be ambivalent on this, but no more. I'm an old-school trainer. I love the simplicity of paper and face-to...
The Thomas Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument or TKI has been around since the 1970s and bills itself as the world's most widely used conflict style inventory. I started out as a Thomas Kilmann trainer in the 80s and found it very useful. I got frust...
Big News - A Moment of Dialogue in Washington! Divided Democrats and Republicans found a way to talk this week, and actually listened to each other, using a talking stick! The Washington Post on January 28, 2017 reports that Senator Susan Collins of ...
Here’s a strategy to improve dynamics in a difficult conversation: In an argument or tense discussion, replace "but" with “and”. Lawyer/mediator Susan Ingram describes this in her recent blog. “Typically", she writes, “When you’re having a discussio...
It's easy in team settings to get so focused on performance, planning, and budgets that you forget the single most important factor in productivity and in people's sense of satisfaction on the job: relationships among colleagues. No matter how goo...
If you're planning a workshop using Style Matters Online, see the new Training Outline for Style Matters Online. This is a 5 page trainer's guide for a workshop 1-2 hours in length with users who've taken the online version of Style Matters and have...
We're pleased to announce that, thanks to many requests for it, the Style Matters conflict style inventory is now released in a Spanish translation. A direct translation of the English version, the Spanish conflict styles edition is now available in...
Isolation and polarization are big threats today. We can't take collegiality and community for granted. We have to work steadily at renewing them. Part of the requirement of leaders now is to recognize that times have changed. We must strategic...
The Pyramid of Conflict Resolution Skills What is the connection between interpersonal conflict resolution tools like my Style Matters conflict style inventory or the Thomas Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument and big conflicts of our world, like ethn...
If you expect to do conflict styles training with Style Matters online, take a minute to scan our new infographics. They show two different options for getting users pre-paid to the inventory and tracking who has taken it. Both get users to...
Do you know people who get upset and insulted easily? They may not realize it, but they're setups for easy manipulation. When you’re easily triggered, you’re a sitting duck for anyone having a bad day. All it takes is a few choice words. Your bu...
Can you lead in times of emergency? Don’t think that's for someone else. Life exempts none from this call. Unless you're a hermit, a time will come when you too must act and lead in the face of danger, no matter your rank or station. And now is t...
The NY Times carries a gripping account about vandalism by young whites against a mosque in Texas. One youth writes a heartfelt letter of apology and Muslim leaders are so moved that they request the judge to be lenient. The prosecutor thinks thi...
An Important Choice: What to Do and Say After Violence? Whenever violence takes place as a result of public conflict, well-intentioned leaders face a challenging question. How should they respond? What should they say that might reduce possibility...
Public Insult Endangers Even If You're Not the Target Insult has become a daily aspect of life. It's hard to read the newspaper or view screens without encountering it. This is bad, not just for us, but for our future and our children's future. P...
Trainers often ask: how much time to budget for a conflict styles workshop? It depends! Traditional Pencil and Paper Format In traditional pencil and paper training format, you might calculate Handout booklets and give quick instructions - 5 minute...
How_Conflict_Style_Shapes_Destiny.png" alt="How is a Score Report" width="639" height="360" /> I spent much of the last month writing new text for the score report of Style Matters. That’s the 10 page personalized report from the online version of my...
You can't do conflict resolution without doing anger management. Anger is an emotion that everyone needs. Don’t wish it away. It provides resources essential to self-protection and survival. It helps us respond quickly, with high energy, to...
We can Learn a Lot from Trump about Conflict Styles The weekend brought a textbook example of under-use of conflict avoidance and its costs. It started on Friday when Rep. John Lewis picked a quarrel with Trump. "I don't see this President-elect as a...
This diagram contains important clues about an alternative to the widely held notion that religious extremism can be forcefully countered. It's from Ian White, a key strategist behind the scene in stabilizing the Northern Ireland peace process. [capt...
Just re-released: my Trainers Guide to Successful Conflict Styles Workshop. Now 38 pages in the 2017 edition, it's still free. Like earlier versions, this one gives step-by-step guidance for trainers. My aim is to make it easy for anyone with basi...
If you've already spent time with relatives this holiday season perhaps you've discovered things are not all fa-la-la at family gatherings. Getting together is great, but it can also bring conflict. All that cozy togetherness gives space for old iss...
If you like the conflict styles framework and want compatible tools to build the capacity of your organization or team, check out the trove of short videos by Dr. John Scherer. Don't Resolve or Manage Conflict, Utilize It For example, in a 6 minute ...
Columbia's peace process includes a problem that recurs in many national peace processes: What to do with groups whose tactics or ideology makes them unacceptable? My life experience has taught me to move towards, not away from such groups. In Columb...
Injustice is a big problem. But it's always a symptom of a deeper cause. Wherever people aren't getting their fair share, you'll find patterns of decisions being made without genuine participation of people affected by them. You can't build lasting...
[Written three years before the pandemic, this post is more relevant than ever now that most training is online.] A challenge conflict styles trainers often face is limited time in workshops or little face-to-face access to people needing training. W...
Conflict style awareness is truly useful in day-to-day management of differences. It's easy to learn. But not so easy to do! Easy: Learning the basics of conflict styles. Do this in a few minutes with this free "Intro to Conflict Styles". You can...
Conflict resolution and human development people could learn a lot from business marketers. We have a message and tools that address critical challenges for human beings. We should learn from the best practices of those who are successfully u...
By adopting practices of interaction largely stripped of symbols and moments to engage Depth, we cut ourselves off from the most powerful source of energy for creativity, connection, and change available to us.Are you exploring the power of symbols i...
When voices rise and conflict escalates, do you step forward and engage? Or step back and assess? This post is for people who favor the latter, and for those who live and work with them. I’ll give you another two-step for conflict resolution, a pr...
Organizational psychologist and podcaster Meisha Rouser has posted an interview, "Exploring Conflict Styles with Ron Kraybill". In a 25 minute conversation you get an overview of key concepts of conflict styles and why it's important to pay attenti...
Everywhere I’ve lived and worked, I’ve met people who feel a deep inner echo to the idea of making peace. I’m a bit mystical about such things. The inner echo is one mark of a calling and I have a lot of time for people hearing it. But...
You know the type: Donkeys in middling positions just powerful enough they can cloud your sunny day when they choose. A recent essay in the Harvard Business Review on these keepers of gates and keys observes: "Being in a role that has power ...
In my early days in peacebuilding, I met with John A. Lapp, the executive secretary of Mennonite Central Committee. I had just been "hired" for a one-year stint of voluntary service with MCC to establish a new unit, the Mennonite Conciliation Serv...
[dropshadowbox align="center" effect="horizontal-curve-bottom" width="700px" height="" background_color="#ffffff" border_width="1" border_color="#dddddd"]Research shows that work groups of high power people do not perform nearly as well as groups of ...
What’s your experience of meetings? "They're boring. They're useless. Everyone hates them. So why can't we stop meetings?" laments a recent article in the New York Times, "Meet is Murder." Research by Fuze, a telecommunications company, finds org...
I want to tell you some intriguing things about parrots I've recently learned. And then, why paying attention to parrots is important to human survival. I always thought parrots were mere mimics. But it turns out they are highly intelligent. They ...
The world knows me as a facilitator of peace processes, a professor of conflict resolution, an author of peace training materials. The world doesn’t know this: I love guns. As far back as I can remember, guns hung on the wall above the well in the ...
