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Dealing with Unhelpful Comments

Often a facilitator needs to deal with unhelpful or negative comments from participants. Facilitators can handle these constructively by recognising them as they occur. In this list of commonly heard statements, suggested facilitator responses follow in brackets. While all the responses below are often useful, sometimes ignoring unhelpful statements is the best way to discourage them.
1. Generalising. “No one cares a bit how I feel about things.” (“Please tell us more specifically about who doesn’t care about how you feel about things”, or “Please give us a specific example so we can understand clearly what you are referring to.”
2. Blaming. Strong ‘you’ or ‘they’ focus: “They did this and they did that and they’re always…”(“Tell us what you would like to see happen in future, or Tell us about the impact of these events on you personally.”)
3. Statements in question form. “Wouldn’t you agree it’s just downright irresponsible to do something like that without group approval?” (“Sounds like you really feel it was inappropriate”, or “Tell us how you feel about it”, or “My job is to help you express your viewpoint to others here; please help us understand what your thinking is on this.”)
4. Speaking for others. “I happen to know that a lot of other people in the group feel the same way I do about this.” (“Just speaking for yourself, tell us how you feel about things.”)
5. Poor me. “I just get so depressed and discouraged when I see what they’re doing to our fine group. They don’t care what they do to the rest of us and I’ve lost all hope for change. We’re too weak to stand up to them anyway.” (“You really feel helpless about things. Tell us about the point at which you really began feeling the most discouraged ... Tell us about what you would like to see happen in the group in the next year.”)
6. Super parenting. “I think what Mary is really trying to say is that the situation is just intolerable for anyone who really cares about the future of the community.” (“I’d like to let Mary express for herself what she’s trying to say to us.”)
7. Interrupting. (Leader ignores interrupter or simply says: “Sipho, I’d like to hear your thoughts on this, but for now I’d rather not interrupt Mary’s comments.”)
8. Withdrawing. Member sits silently without participating, and sometimes orients body away from the group. (“I’d like to offer a special invitation to those who haven’t yet had the opportunity to speak,” or “Mr/Mrs X, are there any thoughts or comments that you would like to share with us?”)
9. Challenging the facilitator. (Response: Stay cool, focus on hearing and understanding. “So your main concern is that I haven’t ... ”. Then explain, or clarify, if appropriate, without defending. Recognise the urge to fight back and choose against it.
Model self-disclosure: “I feel quite uncomfortable with your comments and I’m not sure exactly how to respond. I’d like to approach things in a way that everyone respects so I don’t wish to simply ignore your remarks. How do others feel about this?” Ask for input from others in the group.

Training Exercise to improve facilitator skills on dealing with unhelpful comments:
The purpose of this exercise is to give opportunities for people in your group to practice being a facilitator who has to deal with unhelpful comments from participants. Choose a topic on which there is disagreement in the group (abortion, gay rights, political preferences, how to handle a major world challenge, etc.). Then break into small groups of four to six. Choose a facilitator within each group and discuss the topic. In each group, participants should express their views on the topic and as they are doing so throw in some of the unhelpful comments above. It is the facilitator’s job to try to deal with these in a constructive way. Make it realistic and do not over-do the unhelpful comments. Try to stay in the role. After one facilitator has had 5 minutes or so of practice, rotate to the next facilitator in each group, until everyone has had a chance to practice participating.
Do not neglect to de-brief the experience in your small groups. Which responses were most helpful? What did you learn from the experience about how to facilitate in settings where people make unhelpful comments? The trainer should be alert for the possibility that sometimes the discussion gets “real” and people get seriously into a discussion that is not really completed. In this case, invite people to “shake out the roleplay” by getting up and shaking hands with their small group partners, or if you have time, consider using a tool for structured dialogue to assist people to continue the discussion.